Being Real – Mothering Through Bipolar

I’ve always tried to be as truthful and real with my readers as I can be. This is a time when I probably should be the most truthful as I’ve ever been.

A few of you know I was inpatient about a month ago. I was not in a good place and needed some immediate, aggressive help right away. I did something I shouldn’t have done. I dismissed myself from the hospital about seven days soon than what the doctor would have liked me to dismiss myself.

I don’t handle being locked up very well. If I could find an aggressive treatment center that was a little less restrictive I probably wouldn’t bolt the first chance I get.

As a result, my meds aren’t 100% and I’m not feeling 100%. There’s days I feel totally over-medicated and then there’s days where I feel like I’m on no medication at all. It’s the over-medicated days I struggle with. I can’t find my creativity and my ability to write. I struggle to stay awake and find myself sleeping for hours in the afternoon.

On days where I am not feeling all that medicated, I’m irritable and agitated easily. I cry easily, I become frustrated with the people I live with, my anxiety shoots through the roof and I feel like I want to run away.

I believe this has a lot to do with my meds not being adjusted properly. This is the first night in a long time that I’m wide awake at 2am and have the ability to pump out a few blog posts. Lately I have been so immersed in my own bubble, figuring out how to do one blog post seemed almost impossible. It feels good to be behind the keyboard again and sharing with everyone the last few posts I’ve written.

I’m trudging along and taking each day as it comes. I see my doctor on Saturday so I hope she has something up her sleeve to help me feel a little more balanced. I hope I make sense to her when I explain the struggles I’ve been having. I believe I know what needs to happen, I just hope she agrees with me.

After all I am my own best advocate!

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